On The Lighter Side.

Allright, allright, allright. [:D] [:D] [:D]

“Though I fly through the Valley of Death, I shall fear no evil. For I am at 80,000 feet and climbing.” - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: “Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?” and “Oh S**t!”

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks “What happened?” The pilot’s reply: “I don’t know, I just got here myself!” - - -Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

Stay safe.

Jim [cptn]

PS - Keep 'em coming. I got a lot more.

Okay, if we’re going to go ‘high concept’…

I met a guy who writes music for sewing machines.

He’s a Singer/songwriter.

Or sew it seams… [:D]

(I’ll get my hat and coat and leave quietly…)

Great one greg!!![:D] [:D] [:D]

My wife was sitting on the couch and asked what I was laughing at. I told her your joke. She’s been a seamstress for all her life and thought it was great too.

U.S. Air Force Manual - It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

General Douglas MacArthur - “Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.”

Stay safe.

Jim [cptn]

Happy to serve!

Rather…um…less high-concept, straight-out ripped-off of social media:

What’s the last thing “Tickle-me Elmo” gets before he leaves the factory?

Test-tickles. [:$]

I’ll stop laughing in about an hour or so.

Infantry Journal - “Five second fuses only last three seconds.”

“Any ship can be a minesweeper…ONCE.”

USAF Ammo Troop - “If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”

Stay safe.

Jim [cptn]

When one engine fails on a twin-engined airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 — “There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.”

Stay safe.

Jim [cptn]

A 727 is #2 on the ILS, a Mooney is #!. The 727 is closing too fast on the slower Mooney, so the controller says to the 727 crew, due to slower traffic ahead, make a 360 to the right.

The 727 responds, "do you realize it costs nearly a thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?

The controller: OKAY Sir, give me nearly a thousand dollar turn to the right.

A British Airways 747 is approaching JFK, skunky weather and dense traffic, the controller is unable to issue a lower altitude and JFK is getting closer steadily. The descent should have begun by about 90 miles out.

Finally as the 747 is about 20 miles out the controller asks, “Speedbird 246 are you able to descend 35 thousand feet in the next 15 miles?” The Captain responds: “Well old boy, I’m sure I can, but I’m afraid I cahn’t bring the aircrahft with me.”

Old stories they have been around since about forever, even if partially true or not at all, still a good laugh.

Patrick

Jim, I hope you’re properly ashamed of yourself for enabling my addiction… [;)]

Ahem.

#1 - What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

#2 - Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

#3 - “Waitress, this coffee tastes like mud!”

“That’s funny…it was just ground this morning.”

#4 - You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

#5 - My grandfather has the heart of a lion…oh, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

#6 - Red meat may be bad for you. But fuzzy green meat is REALLY bad for you.

#7 - I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger…and then all of a sudden it hit me.

My therapist says I must limit myself to no more than seven in any one 24 hour period…

…which led me to wonder [I]: am I the only one who’s worried that doctors call what they do “practice?”

Okay, time for my meds now…[whstl]

Oh, and:

Yes Greg, I am really sorry. I don’t know why I stooped that low, but it’s just like being a plasticaholic, once you got it you can’t get away from it. [;)]

“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”

“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”

“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there.”

“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”

Stay safe.

Jim [cptn]

Back by [total absence of] popular demand… straight from depths of the internet to you, the ‘magnificent seven’ raises its ugly head once more.

#1 - I asked my date to meet me at the gym…but she never showed up.

That’s how I knew we weren’t going to work out…

#2 - I have two dogs, one named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re both watch dogs.

#3 - I accused my wife of putting glue all over my rifle collection.

She denies it…but I’m sticking to my guns.

#4 - I asked my family for a globe for my birthday, but I didn’t get it.

It would have meant the world to me.

#5 - I heard by law you’re supposed to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How the h*ll am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

#6 - All my friends tell me I’m the cheapest guy in the world…but I’m not buying it.

#7 - Have you heard of the blind Cyclops brothers?

Neither have eye…

Thank you ladies and germs, you’ve been a great audience! Be sure and tip your wait staff. [:D]

Lol, lol, lol, lol, lol, lol, lol, lol, lol, lol.

If and when I stop laughing I’ll post some more.

Stay safe.

Jim [cptn]

PS - I guess we’re the only ones that like to have a good laugh once in a while.

Not true Jim-I’ve been enjoying the entries from the start-thank you all.

Didn’t mean to leave anyone out, just trying to get others to join in. The news and a lot of the TV shows today, pardon my french, suck. We need more fun stuff to cheer us up. As I was considered, mistakenly by some, to be one of the class clowns I try to live up to my reputation whenever the opportunity arrises. I don’t think my wife has ever laughed at one of my jokes in the 35 years we’ve been married. I just get the “Oh s**t, here he goes again” look. But, I keep tryimg. One of these days I’ll come up with a good one and she’ll laugh, and I’ll be on the floor with a heart attack. Sooooooooooo, until that day comes, I’ll keep trying to cheer people up, even if it’s with other peoples jokes. [;)]

U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. - “You, you, and you…Panic. The rest of you, come with me.”

Unknown Marine Recruit - “Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”

“If the wings are traveling faster that the fuselage, its probably a helicopter – and therefore, unsafe.”

“If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.”

Stay safe.

Jim [cptn]

Alright, people, I can keep this up all day…

#1 - Before it was carved, Mount Rushmore’s striking beauty was unpresidented.

#2 - There was a heated debate about theft at the restaurant…so I decided not to take sides.

#3 - A man walked into his house and discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.

He was delighted.

#4 - I just bought these shoes from my drug dealer. Don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

#5 - I refused to believe my roadworker brother was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

#6 - My girlfriend told me she didn’t understand cloning. I told her, “That makes two of us.”

#7 - I have an inferiority complex…but it’s not a very good one.

(Credit where it’s due, I believe that last one’s a line from the brilliantly dead-pan and out-there comedian Steven Wright.)

[:D]

Ha! Funny stuff here. Very Steven Wright-ish.

What happened to the fat lady when she backed into the fan? Disaster.

Steven Wright has been my favorite comedian since I saw his first-ever appearance on Johnny Carson back in 1982. My single favorite line of his sums up his whole weird universe:

“I have voices in my head…but all they ever say is ‘Shut up, we weren’t talking to you…’” [:D[[:D]

Those were great. Took me a while to stop laughing from the last batch.

Greg, I’m going to send that last one to my brother in Ca. He has “a thing” he does when talking to friends or neighbors. He’ll stop talking all of a sudden, get this crazy look on his face and look up at the sky. When they ask “what’s wrong” He says “Shhhhhhh, can’t you hear them talking to me?” He’s done crazy stuff like that all his life. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Stay safe.

Jim [cptn]

PS - What do you call a turkey running down the road? Fast food.

Sometimes;

I will start a discussion with,“Ladies and Germs and Tubifex worms”, and Folks wait for the other shoe to drop. It’s just a phrase!

Unattributed: Never let your airplane take you anywhere that your brain hasn’t visited five minutes before.