Aviation Humor...

Modeling Subjects Aircraft
1

If you’ve got any aviation related humor by all means, share it!

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.” “Why?” asked the nervous pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.” The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

Fade to Black…

2

Hehe, nice one[:D]

3

I think I got this from a book about B-17s by Martin Caidin. I can’t remember the exact words but the story goes like this…

A badly damaged B-17 is coming in to its base in England from a raid in Germany.
Pilot: My plane is badly damaged. Please give me landing instructions.
Tower: What’s the condition of your plane?
Pilot: My rudder is gone, three engines out and one is smoking, tanks almost empty, hydraulics shot up, gears won’t go down, gaping holes on the wings, elevators not working. Please give me landing instructions.
Tower: Roger! Here are your landing instructions. Please repeat after me… Our Father…

4

Those are too funny guys! ROTFLMAO
Lee

5

This is an oldie but goodie and the names don’t mean anything, change them as required:
Every time a certain pilot was approaching the airfield for a night approach he would always make his first call: “Selfridge Tower Guess Who!”
This went on for months, and it was suspected all the pilots of the squadron were doing it as a joke. Finally, enough was enough.
That night as a plane approached sure enough: “Selfridge Tower Guess Who!”,
came over the radio. The controller immediatly turned off the field lights and responded: Selfridge Tower, Guess Where."

Don

6

Got a couple

Seems that one morning a student pilot and an instructor were out practicing aerial manuevers in the one of the practice areas and were being monitered by the local tower. After trying a manuever for a second time and failing it yet again, the student pilot pushed the push-to-talk switch and, not realizing he had pushed it to transmit, not intercom, announced “I am really Foxtrot Uniformed this morning”.
Upon hearing this, the tower immediatly transmits “Last calling aircraft, this is Blank tower. You are in violation of radio procedures. Give me your number”. After several seconds of silence, back comes the reply, “Blank tower, I may be Foxtrot Uniformed…but I’m not that Foxtrot Uniformed”

The other one I like was told to me in all seriousness by an air tanker pilot.

“There are four things you never want in an aircraft in flight - Smoke, Flame, Loud noises and sudden Silences”

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7

fantastic.

joe[:D][:D][:D]

8

TOO Funny I’ll have to see what I’ve got to add.

9

These are great LMAO… (I’ll see if I can think of some funny ones but I can’t seem to remember any right now.)

10

Here’s my contribution enjoy-
Flight Maintenance Humor
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot; S = The solution or action taken by the engineers).

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitudehold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

11

cassibill,

You forgot one

Squawk - Left wing heavy
Repair - Lightened left wing

12

I can’t post the pictures I found! There’s a few at www.najaco.com under aviation humor though.

13

A-10 smart weapon…

14

After another hard landing, the first officer was finding it difficult to look anyone in the eye as they exited the plane. Almost everyone had got off the plane when this little old lady walking with a cane asked him, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’
‘Why no ma’am,’ said the pilot, ‘what is it?’
The old lady said, ‘Did we land or were we shot down?’

15

Pilot over the intercom after a loud “thump” is heard: Ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have blown out a hydraulic line and are losing hydraulic fluid which is required to fly the plane. "I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news…The good news is, we’re still in the air. The bad news is??? we’re still in the air.

16

When stationed in a F106 Squadron. I was ewaiting to see the Chief of Maintenace (a guy with a great sense of himor) he was looking at an aircraft record and suddenly began laughing. I said whats so funny. He showed me a write up the pilot made after a flight. I t stated “Something smells in cockpit” and the Mechanic wrote for the corrective action "something quit smelling when the pilot left the cockpit

17

Those are great…I’ll have to think and see if I can come up with a few.

18

lol…good stuff!

19

Jan Van der Merve was a South African WWII Pilot (flew Hudsons). Jan is an old school Afrikaaner, just think Carrol O’Connor from All in the Family with a thick Dutch accent. One day Jan shows up to an event where he is asked to tell a war story or two. Jan starts to tell the story in his thick Afrikaans accent (again think Dutch).

Jan: “I was flying from Nairobi northwest across the desert to Algiers, when all of a sudden dis fokker comes out of no where and starts firing on me. So, I turn left to avoid the fire from dis fokker, and sure enough de fokker comes right back and fires away at me. So I’m yelling at my gunners to get dis fokker off my tail. I turn left then right again and Anton my rear gunner blows dis fokker right out of de sky!”

Moderator (to somewhat overwhelmed audience): “For those of you not familiar with German warplanes a Fokker is a type of German fighter plane.”

Jan: “Ya, dat is true. But dis fokker was flying a Messerschmitt!”

20

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, “Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?”
The second guy says, “Wow, you have an airplane? Let’s go!”
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says to his new buddy along for the ride, “Let’s land here. It looks like it’s as good a place as any.”

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. “Shoot!” he says, “That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?” But since it’s the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, “All right, I’m going to try ONE more time, and if I can’t land it we’re just going to crash and hope we don’t die.” So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. “I’m gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be a total moron! No one could land on anything that short!”

The second guy looks around and says “Yeah, but look how wide it is!”

There was an air-head who was flying from New York to London on a 747 jet. After they had been flying a while, the Captain came on the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that the number one engine was having some problems and we had to turn it off. However, there is no cause for alarm, as we can fly just fine on the remaining three engines; it’s just going to take longer to get to London.” They had been flying a little while longer when the captain came on the intercom again. “Ladies and gentlemen, I need to tell you that we just had to shut down the number four engine, but don’t worry, we can fly just fine on two engines; it’s just going to take longer to get there.” Sure enough, a little while later the captain announced that they also had to shut down the number three engine, but not to worry, they could fly just fine on one engine; it was just going to take longer to get there. Finally, the air-head turned to the person sitting next to him and said, “Man, if that last engine goes, we’ll be up here all day!”