hehehehe! here’s a few more courtesy of WarWolfe on the Flying-legends fourm:
Airline Cabin Announcements:
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
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On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, “People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”
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On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.
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“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane”
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“Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
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From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa… To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
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“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”
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“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
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“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
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“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
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Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?” “Why, no, Ma’am,” said the pilot. “What is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
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Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.”
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Coach yelled, "That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine.
hot-shot fighter vs. bomber
A young guy in an F-16 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, “Anything you can do, I can do better.”
The veteran bomber pilot answered, “Try this hot-shot.”
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, “So? What did you do?”
“I just shut down two engines, kid.”
fuel dumping on cops
In the days of the Northrop F-89 Scorpions, the Air Force pilot at an interceptor squadron was driving to work one day when he got caught in a speed trap on a road that ran very near to the end of the runway. He argued his case with the local cops, but to no avail.
Steaming mad and more than a little frustrated, he stormed into Operations demanding that an F-89 be readied for him immediately. Firing up the engines, he taxied to the active runway and took off.
Shortly after getting airborne, he declared an emergency and reversed course back to the field. Of course, being the good pilot that he was and ever-mindful not to exceed the max landing weight of his Scorpion, and having a fuel dumping system installed, he dumped his excess fuel…just as he reached the road near the end of the runway.
The fuel-drenched cops packed up their radar and weren’t seen anywhere near that area again for a very long time.
The size counts
Shortly after just landing at a big international airport in his Cessna 150, our hero strolls into the busy airport cafeteria for a bite to eat. He finds an empty table by the window to keep an eye on the airport comings and goings. Shortly thereafter, a striking woman walks up and asks to share his table. Naturally, he invites her to sit down.
After several minutes of small talk, the woman asks if he is a pilot. He responds, “Why, yes, I am – I fly a C-150.” Knowing next to nothing about airplanes, she asks him what a C-150 is. The pilot looks out the window and spots a C-130 Hercules taxing out for takeoff.
Pointing to it, he tells his companion, “See that plane over there? That is a C-130. I fly a C-150!”
You have been fllying that darn airplane again
A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.
Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.
She replies: “Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that darn airplane yet again”.
The motoring speed trap
Two members of the traffic police were out in the countryside with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 400 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Tornado hurtled over their heads.
The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Tornado’s target-seeker had locked on to the ‘enemy’ radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.
Luckily(?), the Tornado was operating unarmed.
hi performance going UP
Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the jet into a vertical climb.
During this climb he got a call from ATC as follows, “Ghost 53Z, from Approach. Say heading,” to which the pilot responded “Ooh, up, sir.”
AAA
The progress of the student during flying training was not good enough to allow him to continue the course and to become a fighter pilot. He had to leave the pilot training outfit but he wanted to remain in the Air Force and could be transferred into another sector. Asked for his preferences he replied:
" AAA, Anti Aircraft Artillery, because 'if I don’t fly - nobody will"
Forced landing near airfield
The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, “Fill 'er up!”
The attendant just looked at the pilot.
“I bet you don’t get too many airplanes asking for a refuel,” said the pilot.
The attendant replied: “True, most pilots use that airport over there.”
no reverse on expensive fighter
At the Naval Air Station a young ground-crew member was being trained on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit for hot refueling. The instructor gave him a go and after quite some wild arm weaving the F14 was parking, but when checking they discovered that he had taxied the aircraft too far forward from the fuel hose to reach the airplane.
“You’ll have to send him around again,” said the instructor.
“What?” he said, surprised. "They spend millions on these things and you can’t even put them in reverse
and this one from doorknob:
Pilot (Speedbird 206): “Frankfurt tower, Speedbird 206 is clear of the active runway.”
Tower: “Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
Pilot (Speedbird 206): [silence, standing still just off of the runway]
Tower: “Speedbird 206, don’t you know where to go?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by tower, I’m looking up the gate location now.”
Tower (growing impatient): “Speedbird 206, haven’t you ever been to Frankfurt?”
Pilot (Speedbird 206): “Yes, twice in 1944 – but it was dark and I didn’t land.”